I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
