He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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