the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
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