I want you more than these girls want KFC
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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