I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
