I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
