Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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