I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
