Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Randomize
