why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
