cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
