Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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