I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
