That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
