She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
