I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
