You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
