I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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