I checked into jail on foursquare
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone says I win the strip club
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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