Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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