I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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