i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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