If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
