Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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