dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
