my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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