your parents love me but you hate me
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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