my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
