WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
