I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
