He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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