haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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