I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
