Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
