I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
