how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
