You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
