so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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