The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
