I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
