I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
