i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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