While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
