Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
