I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Rumble strips road head = magical
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
