Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
