he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
She tied me up with her honor cords...
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
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