You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Randomize
