I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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