I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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