I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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