Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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