just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
