He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
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