I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
