just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Randomize
