In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
