You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
